(no subject)
Jun. 23rd, 2024 08:27 pmWell, my itty bitty baby nephew is all grown up. I was literally in the room when he was born, and last week he graduated from high school. How the hell did time go by so quickly? I'm still in disbelief that I watched him grow up from a cute baby to an adorable toddler to an incredibly difficult and whiny kid to a slightly-less-difficult teenager, and now it's his 18th birthday. I'm so proud of him: he's a deeply empathetic and caring soul, a whiz at math and creative writing, and so much fun to hang out with. But still...how did this happen so fast?!
It also means that it's been exactly 18 years since Dad died. That's even harder to believe. I think about where I was 18 years ago, the events of that day, and it's a distant memory. I'm such a different person than I was back then. So much has changed, I'm grown so much. But at the same time, it feels like it happened yesterday. I remember every single detail of that day, the phone call that shattered my world; it's frozen in my memory. It doesn't feel like it was 18 years ago. It couldn't have been.
And more than anything, I feel angry. It's nothing new, I've been angry at the universe for a long time now. But at my nephew's graduation it came crashing down on me like never before. Dad was robbed. He was robbed of 18 years with his grandkids, robbed of the opportunity to get to known them, to watch them grow up, to play cards with them and teach them bad jokes, to to be a grandpa. He should have been there to see his oldest grandson graduate from high school. The unfairness of it runs so deeply that I can't ever find the words to express it. There are no words, just a burning rage at the universe for allowing this to happen.
I know I can live in the world without my father. Somehow I've managed it for the past 18 years. But I shouldn't have had to. My nephews shouldn't have had to grown up without their grandpa. And I will never forgive the universe for that.
It also means that it's been exactly 18 years since Dad died. That's even harder to believe. I think about where I was 18 years ago, the events of that day, and it's a distant memory. I'm such a different person than I was back then. So much has changed, I'm grown so much. But at the same time, it feels like it happened yesterday. I remember every single detail of that day, the phone call that shattered my world; it's frozen in my memory. It doesn't feel like it was 18 years ago. It couldn't have been.
And more than anything, I feel angry. It's nothing new, I've been angry at the universe for a long time now. But at my nephew's graduation it came crashing down on me like never before. Dad was robbed. He was robbed of 18 years with his grandkids, robbed of the opportunity to get to known them, to watch them grow up, to play cards with them and teach them bad jokes, to to be a grandpa. He should have been there to see his oldest grandson graduate from high school. The unfairness of it runs so deeply that I can't ever find the words to express it. There are no words, just a burning rage at the universe for allowing this to happen.
I know I can live in the world without my father. Somehow I've managed it for the past 18 years. But I shouldn't have had to. My nephews shouldn't have had to grown up without their grandpa. And I will never forgive the universe for that.